Ralph Williams Given Ralph Williams Lifetime Achievement Award for Being Ralph Williams

ANGELL HALL—During a routinely transcendent lecture yesterday, students witnessed history as English Professor Ralph G. Williams was honored with the first-ever Ralph G. Williams Lifetime Achievement Award.

The Ralph G. Williams Lifetime Achievement Award was established to honor outstanding teachers who have committed their career to being Ralph G. Williams. The award was created by the Regents last year in order to single out University professors who “strive not only to disseminate knowledge of Ralph G. Williams but to inspire and engage students in the pursuit of listening to Ralph G. Williams as well.”

Williams’ course, English 313: On Ralph Williams, was interrupted last night as members of the organization Students and Faculty Worshipping Ralph G. Williams (which informally accounts for almost 107% of the University) filed down the Angell lecture hall stairs with balloons and flowers in hand.

Williams, who was unaware of the award, was be ... Read more

University Towers to Remind You They Exist, Have Free Hot Dogs

CAMPUS—Despite your efforts to circumvent the bubbling bacterial hole wading in its own filth above NYPD, University Towers just wanted to email you again today to remind you that their apartments are going fast!

The 20-story complex, most likely funded by drug money, just wanted to make sure you still know about FREE Bubble Tea after you take a 30-minute tour of any flea-ridden apartment. It’s an urgent matter since so many students are jumping at the opportunity to live next to a foggy-brown swimming pool that may or may not serve as a giant disposal unit for the hot dogs management had left out on display in the lobby the past week.

According to the fifth email in your inbox sent from an AOL email address that changes each time, University Towers has “recession-proof housing that is sure to keep money in your wallet.” A more realistic way of making sure money stays in their wallets would be to prevent the the casual break-ins that the U Towers’ hotel- ... Read more