Engineering freshman Adam Barillas has demonstrated uncanny skill at remaining in his friend group despite the group’s ongoing efforts to oust him. To date, Barillas, who has been described as “clingy,” “attention-seeking,” and “insufferably wracked with abandonment issues” by those who like him best, has managed to make it through at least seven different attempts to drive him away.
Barillas’ roommate, LSA freshman Matt York, reported that he first noticed something was odd when he discovered that Barillas had memorized his class schedule and was following him to the bathroom every time.
As a result, York and the rest of his group tried ditching their former friend at parties when he insisted on hanging out with them.
“I remember this one time we left Adam a frat while he was throwing up after calling us all pussies for only taking six shots each. We got on the bus back to North and when we got off at our stop, we saw that somehow Adam had been sitting next to us the whole time,” LSA freshman Jeremy Climes said.
“Seriously though, how the fuck does he even do that? Teleportation?” Climes wondered.
After a while, though, the group gave up on their attempts to exile Barillas. “I think I completely threw in the towel when my suitemate and I went to my parents’ place for the weekend and Adam was already there. The weird thing was that I never even told him my address,” Yorke said.
“He just kind of waved at us like he was supposed to have been there the whole time. Christ, we just want him to realize that we don’t like him, but he’s so blissfully ignorant,” Engineering sophomore Trent Baccus added.
As of late, the group has accepted the inevitability of their situation. “God, you have no idea how bad it is to be friends with someone who has all these pseudo-intellectual musings attributed to himself under his favorite quotes on Facebook, but I guess we just have to put up with it. The kid’s practically omnipresent,” Climes lamented.
At press time, Yorke, Climes, and Baccus were busy trying to figure out how Barillas’ name appeared on their lease for next year.
Originally published: February 2013