THE CRADLE OF LIFE – LSA sophomore Jake Bess ejaculated into a tissue early Wednesday morning, unwittingly setting off a firestorm of controversy that would quickly reach the nation’s capital.
“I had just finished my nightly ‘flog of the log’ and was wiping off the ol’ equipment with a tissue,” said Bess. “But before I could even toss it in my trashcan, [House Majority Leader] Eric Cantor burst into my room screaming like a madman about the ‘sanctity of life.’”
A confused, pantless Bess was quickly tackled to the ground by Representative Cantor as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell snatched the tissue out of his hand and fled the scene. As of press time, the exact location of the semen-stained tissue remains unknown to those outside the Republican Party.
“We have custody of the tissue in question and are keeping it in a safe place until we can find it a loving home,” said Senator McConnell, adding that 4,458,904,893 semen-soaked tissues are ruthlessly thrown away every year. “The word ‘genocide’ gets thrown around a lot, but that is clearly what is taking place here. Scientists have proven that once semen has left the body it takes only 30 seconds before it feels pain, and in three minutes a sperm-Kleenex hybrid can grow fingernails. These senseless killings must stop. The Republican Party is 100 percent committed to protecting the life of all 250 million sperm in any given ejaculate.”
Democrats say the Republicans are undertaking an unprecedented challenge to a man’s ‘right to splooge’. Republicans counter that Democrats are simply unwilling to accept responsibility for the consequences of their immoral self-indulgence.
“It shouldn’t surprise anyone that Democrats couldn’t care less about their bodily fluids’ right to life,” said Representative Cantor. “Just think: if Monica Lewinsky’s dress were alive today, it would be getting ready to graduate from high school.”
Curators at the Smithsonian Institute, where Mrs. Lewinsky’s dress is currently being held, were able to confirm that the dress is nowhere near the educational-attainment level to graduate and is in fact just getting “pretty crusty.”
Originally published: February 2013