SUBSIDIZED HOUSING, MIDDLE EAST SIDE – In response to loud banging heard coming from Syria’s apartment, the international community quickly hurried to the country’s door and debated quietly about what to do before awkwardly tapping on the door frame and inquiring whether anything was amiss.
Syria’s next-door neighbors, Turkey and Jordan, reported that they heard loud crashing emanate from inside the nation’s room. Both countries separately noted that “the noises were really loud” and that “it sounded a lot like the massacre of innocent civilians in there.”
However, many of the tenants of the complex reported they would feel awkward “barging into somebody’s room all of a sudden.” Instead, the international community of the Levant Housing Center decided to confront the situation by lightly tapping on the door and quietly asking, “You guys okay?”
During this whole period, the Russian couple from down the hall vehemently argued it was probably nothing more than a friendly bout of wrestling, and that everybody was overreacting. To his credit, Syrian head-of-household Bashar al-Assad opened the door soon after and quickly explained that everything was fine. Some concerned neighboring nations, however, thought it was strange that Assad only opened the door a crack and kept the door chain fastened.
Soon after, the crashing continued, now accompanied by intermittent gunfire. Furthermore, many witnesses reported smelling something a lot like chemical weapons coming from the room.
In response to countless hours of continuous banging, booming, and the occasional scream of a thousand innocents, the international community jointly decided to take action by milling about outside the apartment, knocking on the door every once in a while and asking “You sure you’re all right?” The League of Arab Families, a group of Qatari, Saudi, and Lebanese residents from the 4th floor, repeatedly called for residents to intervene, but quickly returned to their qat-chewing tournament after their pleas fell on deaf ears.
As of press time, Francoise Hollandais, the elderly French woman who lives in unit 6H, reports that she would certainly do something more to help the situation if she weren’t so busy helping her neighbors Molly and Al Jeriah subdue the militant Islamist fringes of their personalities.