In a move that has been called expected, egocentric couple Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have registered a request with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to copyright the process of joining two gamete cells through sexual intercourse. “Listen y’all,” said West, “all y’all better cease and desist from engaging in any interpersonal sexual activity that results in the creation of a zygote. If you can figure out how to skip the first four days of fetal development and use intercourse to make a blastocyst, go right ahead.”
Although every media outlet is positive this move is a response to Jay-Z and Beyonce’s attempt to trademark the name of their first child, Blue Ivy, West and Kardashian claim otherwise.
“Well, you see, Kanye thought that, um, because of the special nature of our, well, conception, like,” Kardashian began.
“Alright, what’s she’s trying to say,” Kanye interrupted, “is that my spermatozoa done traveled all the way from Kim’s cervix to the uterus and through her fallopian tubes, at which point one of my boys found her ovum and done broke down its jelly coating, vitelline layer, and plasma membrane to gain access to its cytoplasm.”
“What we just did was a mufucking miracle and we don’t want none of y’all jackin’ our style,” he added.
West and Kardashian added that, because they are a generous couple, they will leave loopholes in the patent that will make the creation of zygotes possible, but still very difficult.
“People can still make babies with those, like, long, skinny shot-glass thingies,” said Kardashian, probably referring to the process of in vitro fertilization. “But, um, we don’t want anyone else trying to make, like, things that are alive in their stomachs through, well, sex.”
Kanye also clarified that this patent won’t apply to all eukaryotic organisms, only certain phyla of the Animalia kingdom. “Yo, any mammal whose male species has an internal penis, such as canines and domestic equines, will not be barred from engaging in the consensual ejaculation of sperm from the epididymis into a female’s uterus,” said West. “But, if you a dude animal and yo’ dick and balls hangs out yo’ body, you will no longer be permitted to engage in any form of sexual activity that may result in meiosis and fertilization that leads to homologous recombination.
“And lizards and bugs and shit can do what they want, I don’t like no lizards and bugs and shit and I ain’t tryin’ to fuck with their reproductive processes,” he said.
In response, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office released a statement saying that they will consider the request. But according to sources in the office, it seems “unlikely” the couple’s patent will be approved, as it likely violates numerous laws, bureaucratic practices, and a basic conception of human decency.
Originally published: February 2013