MPOWERED MEETING – Sources close to Ross School of Business junior Vik Patel, a self-described “entrepreneur” and “do-it-yourself businessman,” reported Monday that he is, in fact, just another guy with some really shitty business ideas.
In an exclusive interview, Patel explained that he is a “free thinker” who has a number of ideas for start-up businesses that he can use to make some easy money before selling his venture off to another like-minded individual.
“You know, I’ll probably make a couple million off my first business, then use that cash to invest in other projects,” said Patel. “That’s how the co-founder of Facebook did it, you know?” However, nearly every source who has ever spoken with Patel about his ideas for “longer than four minutes” notes that the young businessman lacks even the most basic knowledge, expertise, flexibility, and ideas needed to “run a fucking lemonade stand.”
“I remember when he was telling me about some idea to make facial recognition software for dogs,” explained Ashley Rosen, a friend of Patel’s. “I decided to look past the fact that it was an absolutely terrible idea and instead remind him that he has no programming knowledge.”
“He didn’t listen, though,” added Rosen.
Reportedly, Patel’s other planned ventures include a high-class steakhouse on wheels, a laptop that doubles as a cutting board, and a consulting agency that provides quality start-up ideas to fledgling entrepreneurs.
“The problem is that Vik has no knowledge whatsoever of the technology he’ll be using, he’s never tried to raise capital, and he overspent his budget by 250% when he was the treasurer of MPowered,” said Danny Danson, the president of MPowered. “And his idea for ‘a Snuggie without sleeves’? That’s just a fucking blanket!”
“So naturally, this year he’s the CEO of MPowered,” added Danson.
At press time, Patel was harassing a small group of freshmen about his idea to create a line of flavored breads, which reportedly will include flavors like cotton candy, chicken pot pie, and bread.
Originally published: January 2013