MURFIN AVENUE – Citing a “clear and present danger,” as well as a complete lack of order and control, Presidents Mary Sue Coleman and Barack Obama have jointly declared martial law in the Bursley Residence Hall dining area, move that many North Campus residents have been calling “a pleasant change” and “long overdue.” In a press conference yesterday afternoon, President Obama confirmed that current dining hall employees are to be relieved of their duties immediately, with 100 members of the National Guard taking their place.
“President Coleman and I are well aware that the martial-law clause should only be invoked when imposition of military rule is absolutely necessary,” said President Obama. “But seriously, have you had the fries in there lately? They tasted like misery and oppression.”
Many students have come forward to commend this course of action. “Oh, it was high time they did something about this,” said LSA freshman Sandy Cates. “The dishwasher was always broken and they never put out any soup spoons. They would mix up the ketchup and BBQ sauce. It was a nightmare.”
Several other Bursley residents, including four sophomores forced to live there for a second year, noted that the quality of the dining hall had gone from bad to “practically third-world” when the soft-serve ice cream machine began to drip last December. “Now that there are soldiers regulating everything around the clock, that means no more empty milk dispensers, right?” asked Engineering sophomore Connie Gu.
Only a day after the announcement, the troops have already drastically improved service and quality in the dining hall. With just twelve guards armed with M16 assault rifles positioned to facilitate the card-swiping process, the rest of the deployed force reportedly assists with dish washing and food distribution, with a special battalion set aside and deployed to monitor the creaminess of the soft-serve.
“Look, I know that Ben Franklin once said ‘Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety,’ but he never said that sacrificing freedom for some properly-cooked goddamn chicken wasn’t okay,” said LSA freshman Amanda Peterson, while savoring the taste of her BBQ pizza.
When reached for comment, Staff Sgt. Max O’Brannon saluted and said “CIVILIAN! WILL THAT BE A GRANNY SMITH OR A RED DELICIOUS?”
Originally published: February 2013