Neighbor Thought to Be Having Awesome Sex Actually Just into Loud Porn

6TH FLOOR, SOUTH QUAD – Sophomore Ted Layden came to the startling realization last afternoon that his neighbor may not be having mind-blowing sex 24 hours a day, but rather probably just doesn’t own a pair of headphones.

“I think I grew kind of suspicious when I heard a woman screaming ‘Fuck me Carlos and Gustav and Rodrigo,’” said Layden. “My neighbor’s name is Gary, so I really didn’t know how else to explain that.”

Layden continued to say that unless his neighbor was having tantric kinky sex with a girlfriend that no one has ever seen enter or leave his room, he was pretty sure his neighbor was just watching porn obnoxiously loudly.

“The sad thing is that for the first couple of weeks I was really impressed with the quantity and quality of sex I heard going on next door. I actually felt a little self-conscious. But now that I know the 24/7-fuckfest next door is really just one lonely dude who doesn’t have the common courtesy to put his headphones on, I’m feeling pretty good about myself,” said Layden.

When reached for comment, Layden’s neighbor said that he is simply conducting research he expects will aid him in future sexual encounters.

“I’m actually learning some pretty good tips. Next time I find a girl who’s DTF I’ll know all the right moves, like spitting in her eye and calling her a dirty fucking whore. If I learned anything from Zero Dark Dirty: The Cunt for Osama bin Bottom, it’s that women love it when you treat them rough.”

In related news, the horrible stench emanating from Layden’s room is not a combination of the bodily fluids of dozens of people, but rather a combination of dozens of the bodily fluids of the same person.

Originally Published: January 2013

Related News