KOREAN CENTRAL NEWS AGENCY – North Korean leader Kim Jong-un announced proudly today that advancing below-ground forces were annihilated in a targeted underground nuclear strike.
“For too long, imperialist forces have been attempting to sneak into our country by tunnelling through our decrepit sewer systems and trying to overthrow our magnificent nation,” explained the Supreme Leader. “However, our committed intelligence services detected and obliterated these hegemons before they could supplant our way of life with their pernicious capitalist ideology.”
“This is yet another glorious for the North Korean people,” Kim Jong-un declared triumphantly.
Dear Leader went on to explain that a number of celebrated and decorated imperialist soldiers were killed in the North Korean defence strike, including General Ray Odierno, Seal Team 6, Jack Bauer, Dwight D. Eisenhower, the Terminator, the Terminator 2, Teddy Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt, Freddy Roosevelt, Ulysses S. Grant, Robert E. Lee, George Washington, George Washington Carver, and Dick Butkus.