Sources confirmed yesterday that America’s widely-used baseball sex metaphor, which employs terms such as “first base,” “third base,” and “anal base” as euphemisms for levels of sexual contact, will soon be replaced with an elaborate new gymnastics analogy. By judging all performers on a scale from one to 10 and taking into account not only the execution of the routine but also its difficulty, the new system is expected to completely revolutionize the standards for sexual performance and expression. Metaphor reformists hope that this new standard will begin to undo the practice of merely rushing through linear, predetermined “bases” for the one-dimensional purpose of “scoring.”
“Sex is not a game,” said Donna Williams, director of the Organization Making the Push for a More Flexible Metaphor. “At least not one as as boring, basic, and heteronormative as baseball. We don’t care if you made it to third base. What we want to know is: how was your form? Did you throw in interesting combinations? Did you stick your dismount?”
Under this new metaphorical regime, Williams explained, sexual acts actually have the “revolutionary ability to satisfy more than one participant simultaneously. By understanding the judge (your sex partner) and her requirements (sexual kinks and g-spots) you can score higher and perhaps qualify for the next round. What’s really at stake here is a concern for another human being’s feelings. This is a push to fight the laziness and patriarchal privilege implicit in the use of baseball euphemisms.
“We hope that instead of ‘I’d hit that,’ we’ll soon begin to hear things like, ‘Damn, I’d do a roundoff back-handspring back-layout-full for that,’” added Williams. “That’s our dream.”
Perhaps most important, however, are the improvements that this system makes to the baseball metaphor’s conception of consent. Whereas baseball pits two competing teams with opposing goals against one another, gymnastics is “built on rituals of respect and tolerance.” For example, the judge must salute before the gymnast can even touch the equipment, much less mount it.
At press time, the creator of the new metaphor reluctantly noted that gymnastics is and always will be about scoring, too.
Originally published: February 2013