For the Love of God, Just Kill Me

By an UGLi Lobby TV set

By an UGLi Lobby TV set

Hey, you there, with the muffin and the MacBook. Yes, you. I need you to do something for me without asking any questions. I need you to kill me.

Why, you ask? Let me tell you a little story: When I rolled off the assembly line in South Korea five years ago, I was a state-of-the-art piece of machinery capable of beaming high-definition video around the world in a matter of seconds. My smooth contours, slim profile, and razor-sharp resolution were the envy of every rear-projection monitor in the game! What’s more, I had dreams, man. Big dreams. I was going to broadcast the spectacle to the masses: years of elections, assassinations, and championships! The freaking Arab Spring was going unfold across my 42-inch screen!

Now look what’s become of me. In the past hour, you know what I’ve broadcast? A picture of John Belushi meant to entice students to take Greek 101, a piece of student-submitted “artwork” that’s really just a black-and-white photo of coffee cup, three separate images of ethnically-ambiguous people advertising the “Understanding Race” thing, and a four-minute loop of a fireplace.

A fucking fireplace.

Don’t look at me like that! I’m not some sort of quitter. When I started this gig, I thought I could stomach the monotony. Then the 2008 elections came. You know what I was showing when our country elected its first black president? A PSA for free condoms in Comic Sans.

After that I just limped along for four more years in a daze. Once they went 24 hours, though, all bets were off. It’s time to pull the plug.

So I beg you: for God’s sake, put me out of my misery. I don’t care how you do it, go Office Space on my ass with a couple of Louisville Sluggers, just make sure you finish the job and stop this perpetual cycle of wasted money and dreams.

Originally published: March 2013

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