MARIANAS TRENCH NATIONAL BANK‒ In response to persistent criticism about a policy that requires it to keep billions of dollars in offshore bank accounts, the General Electric Company held a press conference on the deck of one of its aircraft carriers here yesterday to clear the air. “It was never our intention to avoid paying corporate income taxes,” said GE CEO Jeffrey R. Immelt. “We understand that our policy on overseas profit lent itself to misinterpretation, and for that we apologize. Mark my words: nothing like this will ever happen at GE again.
“What are we going to do, dump it all in…the…ocean?” added a suddenly pensive Immelt, as if he had said too much.
“We know that keeping our profits offshore have cost Uncle Sam a ton of money,” said the CEO. “Rest assured, we are currently working on a plan to repatriate our cash,” he added, as he attempted to furtively shove an actual metric ton of $100 bills into the murky depths.
Other high-level executives at the company commented on GE’s plans for moving its overseas profits. “Hey, every giant multinational corporation makes mistakes, and it’s my job to fix them,” said Daniel Murphy, senior vice president of hydrocurrency research. “The efforts of the entire aquatics-lamination division are being brought to bear on this important problem.” Murphy was previously a professor of advanced materials at Ithaca College, where he won a Nobel Prize for an innovative gel-coating technique for waterproofing paper.
Krav the Shark-Repeller, the newest member of GE’s marine entertainment department, was also made available at the press conference. “Krav know how to distract fish with teeths. No animal ever bite Krav, not in 34 years GE traveling circus. Krav make sure no shark eat giant GE money-ball.”
Immelt, the chairman of President Obama’s Council on Jobs and Competitiveness, spoke again at the close of the press conference. “Do you really think a company kind enough to give a job to a down-on-his-luck circus performer would knowingly bilk the very country that bailed it out less than five years ago? Think about that for a second,” he said, before turning to fill another buoy with shark-repelling urine.
When reached for comment, GE CFO Keith Sherin returned to offering a blood sacrifice to the 30-foot Poseidon statue that now adorns the lobby of the company’s corporate headquarters.
Originally published: March 2013