BEAVERTON, Oregon – Nike Inc. spokesperson Andres Edgerton admitted Tuesday afternoon that the sports apparel manufacturer is still searching for a halfway-decent athlete to associate itself with in light of the murder charges facing Oscar Pistorius, the revelations of Tiger Woods’ sexual infidelity, and the public disclosure that Lance Armstrong is a complete and utter asshole.
“We here at Nike are fully committed to building positive role models for young athletes,” said Edgerton at a press conference. “So if any of you happen to know anybody who’s been on a winning team and seems to be at least a somewhat-decent person, give me a call.
“Actually, the winning part is totally optional, and we’ll probably be able to look past a couple DUI charges as long as they weren’t convicted of anything,” he added. “But let me be clear: the days of Nike endorsing sports stars of questionable integrity, like O.J. Simpson, Michael Vick, and Jerry Sandusky, are over. Period.”
Earlier this month, Nike announced that Ronald Angstrom, the second-string punter for the Calgary Stampeders CFL team, would begin endorsing their products. Nike public-relations specialists said that Angstrom, a 25-year-old native of Selkirk, Manitoba who reportedly spends all of his free time watching YouTube videos of ducklings with his parents, will completely reshape Nike’s long-standing “Just Do It” campaign.
“Alright, so when we say ‘Just Do It,’ we don’t mean ‘Just Go Murder Someone in Cold Blood,’ we’re definitely not telling you to take a shit-ton of steroids and unfairly win seven titles, and we certainly don’t want you to accidently shoot yourself in the leg in a nightclub,” said Angstrom, Nike’s new flagship sponsored athlete. “Instead, you should just probably sit at home and watch Gone with the Wind a few hundred times. That’s who I am. Just do it,” he added.
However, the increased public scrutiny into Angstrom’s personal background subsequently revealed that he owns at least a dozen complete human corpses which he recently stuffed and turned into life-sized marionettes, stored in the back room of his parents’ trailer home, and fondled, causing Nike to terminate its relationship with him as well.
Sources inside Nike have reported that the company is considering switching tactics and may begin endorsing parolees and Congressional legislators in the next few months.
Originally published: March 2013