JOHN 3:16 – Fans of the History Channel’s popular fantasy epic The Bible unexpectedly found themselves treated to a slew of plot spoilers earlier this month during the televised broadcast of Pope Francis’s inaugural homily. To the dismay of millions watching, the pope formerly known as Jorge Mario Bergoglio revealed a number of The Bible’s key plot elements, including shocking details surrounding the fate of the series’ handsome protagonist, Jesus Christ.
“We are united in Christ’s blood, for in His death we found eternal life,” proclaimed the Pope, in what some are saying may be the worst thing for the Church’s public image since developing a systemic tolerance of child predators.
The backlash was instantaneous. The Pope’s Twitter account was flooded with thousands of outraged tweets in a matter of hours, and fans quickly petitioned the show’s writers to modify the plotline to maintain the story’s mystique.
“That monster didn’t even say ‘spoiler alert,’” said Bible fan Josh Schwartz, choking back tears. “How am I supposed to continue watching the show now that I know Jesus and Mary Magdalene don’t live happily ever after? Their on-screen chemistry was incredible! Now all that sexual tension is completely hollow.”
The $22-million miniseries, which has been lauded by critics for its masterful use of magical realism, exhilarating special effects, and complex character development, has received the highest ratings of any single History Channel program since last April’s premiere of the hard-hitting documentary JFK: Rogue Illuminati Operative or Relict Ancient Alien?.
“The board was debating between launching Ice Plane Pilots, a spin-off of one of our most popular shows, or running The Bible,” said History Channel programming director Bob Westland while weighing bags of money. “We have no regrets.”
Despite the series’ considerable commercial success, family groups have condemned the show for its gratuitous violence, sexual content, and often-gritty portrayal of life in the ancient Roman Empire.
Said Jeneen Harwood, spokeswoman for the Parents Television Council, “For a show centered around a miraculous virgin birth, there sure is a lot of fucking.”
The one group that was largely unphased by the Pope’s gaffe is made up of diehard fans of the series who have read the novel of the same name on which the TV show is based.
“The book has been out for at least a few years now, so for me watching the show has always been about appreciating the director’s interpretation of the author’s universe,” explained self-proclaimed “Bible Nut” Chris O’Reilly. “Besides, the best part of the series is actually the genius plot twist at the end where Jesus comes back to life and escapes his stone tomb just to tell everyone he saved humanity.”
“Shit. Spoiler alert,” he added.