Earlier this week, E!HollywoodNews.com posted leaked images of Kate Middleton’s nursery room, leading to a sustained flurry of Twitter activity that ultimately caused the social media site’s servers to combust.
Reports indicate that the Internet-wide conflagration has caused unthinkable carnage to offices and personal workspaces around the world. Authorities estimate that the series of blasts has killed at least 5,200 so-called “celebrities” unable to make a real career in television or movies, 8,700 preteen girls, 23 ESPN digital marketing interns, and the four Every Three Weekly fans who actually follow us on Twitter.
Indeed, the rising death toll ultimately caused additional carnage, as photographs of Paris Hilton’s charred corpse and Ashton Kutcher’s severely-disfigured visage caused Twitter to blow up once again.
As of press time, the rising death toll topped 27,000, rivaling previous Twitter explosions caused by reality TV finales, Oscar snubs, and blown calls in sporting events.
Twitter CEO and future University commencement speaker Dick Costolo stated that his company denies responsibility for the incident, as the social-media site’s user contract warns that each account holder tweets “at his/her own risk.” He concluded his press conference by advising Twitter users to “both read the terms and conditions and think carefully before tweeting stupid shit.”
Originally published: March 2013