In response to complaints from students engaging in lewd sexual acts in the upper-floor rooms of the Hatcher Graduate Library, the University Board of Regents has sought out “manageable solutions” to meet the “high demand” for easily-accessible erotic chambers in campus facilities.
“Students have a variety of different needs that we’d like to satisfy whenever possible with designated campus resources. If consenting sexual partners want to have screaming, simultaneous orgasms in an area of the graduate library whose implicit reason for existing is exactly that, we feel it’s our duty as stewards of the campus community to facilitate it,” said Regent Michael Thompson.
As a result, the Regents unanimously voted to designate the the sixth floor of Hatcher Graduate Library, already popularly utilized as a safe haven for illicit sex, as the University’s official Coitus Corridor. The decision is part of a broader effort to make university facilities more “fornication-friendly.”
“The Coitus Corridor reflects years of concerted market research and analysis of the ancient art of hiding the salami, while still grilling it good,” said Thompson. “We’ve found that latent sexual frustration can cause anxiety, irritability, aggression, and decreased LSAT scores. Countless studies have shown a positive correlation between the occasional nasty, passionate rail session and improved overall academic performance.”
University President Mary Sue Coleman is hailing the decision. “I’ve been saying for years that the lack of glory holes on campus is unacceptable,” said Coleman. “This is a great example of how grassroots activism can bring about high-level changes.”
The Regents report that their next steps will involve monitoring the effectiveness of Corridor. If it proves to be a success, they hope to subsidize maintenance costs by broadcasting live feeds of the erotic activity, contingent upon the presence of some freshman co-eds to counterbalance “the utter atrociousness” of a sixth-year Ph.D candidate “drained of any and all sexual vitality.”