In an effort to halt the ceaseless flow of bad press from seeping through to critical ears, senior executives at the multinational oil conglomerate BP announced their new Corporate-Image-Cleanup Initiative, a revolutionary program intended to remove any mention of its willfully-reckless corporate activity from mainstream news by 2016.
The Image-Cleanup Initiative will be carried out by thousands of state-of-the-art newsfeed skimmers and trained spin doctors alike, who were engineered specially for the surgical removal of any and all negative press from the public eye.
“It has always been our intention to preserve our valuable corporate ecosystem we have cultivated over the years,” said Mark Cooper, a BP public relations officer. “As such, we hereby pledge to remove all articles and photos of oil-covered pelicans, otters, or Mississippians from the news media by 2016.”
The corporation has also hired new workers to serve as company ambassadors to news outlets affected by recent “truth spills.” “We are committed to keeping the news environment as pure and untainted as we found it,” said program director Sandra Kelly. “So when we were confronted with a negative PR leak in 2010, we made sure to act quickly. We compensated the affected news organizations quite generously, ensuring everyone impacted could return to a normal life of willful ignorance,” she added.
Some have speculated that BP’s new initiative is a response to the calamitous 2010 Deepwater Horizon Gulf Coast truth spill, as well as other companies’ notable truth spills, including the 2001 Enron truth spill, which was famously caused by overly-truthful accounting records, and that time everybody found out that Mike the mechanic installed new brake pads in Katie Ponder’s car when she didn’t actually need them.
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“We’re excited to be the new face of corporate responsibility in this country,” added Kelly.