Can We Please Focus on Something Other Than My Smoking Hot Bombshell of a Niece, Kate Upton?

I love serving our great nation as much as the next guy. But, as a lifelong civil servant with a decorated history, I am really growing tired of the fact that so much more attention is paid to my smoking, drop-dead-gorgeous niece, Kate, than to the important issues affecting our nation.

I know, she’s the Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover model two years running. And her soft, lovely breasts are considerably larger than my head. And my face could probably fit perfectly in that deep, supple cleavage of hers. But there are substantially more important issues facing this country today. Issues I’ve taken an active and vocal stance on as the representative for Michigan’s Sixth Congressional District. The Second Amendment is much more important than my niece’s perfect slender legs, even if they are straddling an M-16 and wrapping themselves around it as she sensually whispers, “Come at me, intruder.”

My fellow congressmen need to think about the issues that matter to Michiganders – like the dying auto industry, air and water quality, and local drainage ordinances – and stop thinking about my niece. Do you think I spend my time imagining my niece provocatively rubbing my old Ford, getting covered in soap suds, and asking Uncle Freddy if he can take her for a ride?

No! And neither should you! Detroit is on the brink of collapse for God’s sake, and no amount of incestual carnal urges are going to change that fact!

That’s why I’m completely focused on pressing issues. Not pressing in the way I’d imagine Kate’s sculpted ass would press against my leg if she ever happened to bend over and pick up the wallet I’ve accidentally dropped in front of her many times, but important nonetheless. Our government is spending money without restraint and my constituents’ jobs are in jeopardy.

Screen shot 2013-04-21 at 9.45.42 PMAmerica needs to make a choice. Are we really going to let someone like my niece distract us from what’s going on? No. Do you think I let myself waste my time watching her from afar, chronically masturbating to her swimsuit photographs, and watching her “Cat Daddy” YouTube video every night before I go to sleep, dreaming of her sweet, sensual figure?

Come on America! There are so many more important matters to think about. I certainly worry about them every day, rather than imagining Kate softly whispering in my ear at a family gathering, “I’ll see you in the coatroom in five minutes,” before we hastily strip naked and feast on each like there is no tomorrow, the excitement of potentially getting caught only adding to our lust.

Originally published: Apr 2013

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