Fraternity Pledge Spends Last Week of Semester Frantically Creating Sober Memories

DELTA THETA BETA CHAPTER HOUSE – Upon realizing he would soon be responsible for recounting the events of his freshman year to his parents, Delta Theta Beta pledge Anthony Sullivan devised a plan to experience two semesters’ worth of family-appropriate memories in his last week on campus.

Sullivan has routinely blacked-out at least three days per week since pledging DTB in September, with the other four days spent drunk, high, or “cross-faded” – a combination of the two.

With the help of his DTB brothers, Sullivan has crafted a minute-by-minute schedule designed to recreate the sober freshman experience in just seven days.

“We compiled a list of activities our parents found the most interesting when we went home for the summer last year,” explained Sullivan’s fraternity brother Marcus Forester. “Tonight he’s scheduled to watch the broomball playoffs around midnight at Yost. It’s not exactly the same as seeing the hockey team play, but it’s close enough.”

Sullivan said that while some things will be hard to stage, such as building a snowman on the tennis courts in front of Mosher-Jordan Hall, others should be easy, like showing his parents someone else’s picture of students rushing the football field after the victory against Michigan State – a game he failed to attend after inebriating himself to such an extent that he forgot that Michigan State – or indeed even the state of Michigan – existed.

Sullivan claims now to be newly committed to his sobriety, when convenient. “I sort of forgot about the classes I had on Mondays, and Thursdays, and Fridays, and some Wednesdays,” Sullivan said sheepishly. “The good news is I’m spending so much time in the library this week that hopefully my parents will think I worked this hard the entire year,” he said, before frantically asking, “…wait, the University doesn’t send our transcripts home, right?”

The self-proclaimed “frat star” could not be reached for further comment, but was last seen asleep at a table on the second floor of the UGLi with his Econ 101 book open to the first page and a water bottle full of brownish liquid clutched in his hand.

Originally published: April 2013

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