WEST VIRGINIA – At a press conference following the accidental carbon-monoxide poisoning of reality TV star Shain Gandee, MTV executives reluctantly confirmed that none of their patented reality-cams had been present at the scene of the tragedy. Executive producer Barry Poznik concluded the conference with a personal message to the deceased’s family, saying, “While we mourn the loss and cannot fathom the pain of the Gandee family, we weep especially for the television viewers who never got to witness this tragedy several days after the fact on their DVR’s.”
Gandee, often referred to as “Gandee Candy” on MTV’s new West Virginia-set reality show Buckwild, was found dead in his Ford Bronco, which was half-submerged in mud with the tailpipe covered and would have been “completely viewable from the perfect angle on a nearby hill,” according to Poznik.
“A beautiful medium-long shot of the body…blood slowly draining from his face…the cold, empty stare of his eyes…the haunting sound of his death rattle,” said Poznik, sitting with his head in his hands. “That’s what I call damn good television.”
However, the most visibly-distraught group in the wake of Gandee’s death has been the eight-man camera crew responsible for following Gandee and his friends around the rural Charleston area.
“We were contractually and morally obligated to be there to film any and all medical emergencies,” said one anonymous cameraman, wiping tears from his eyes. “To have done anything less is disrespectful to Shain, the TV audience, and the United States of America.”
The men appeared with full equipment at Gandee’s funeral last Tuesday, attempting to, as one said, “rectify this horrible mistake.”
Said another camera operator, wiping tears from his eyes, “We got Shain on camera almost dying so many times: messing with a squirrel gun, filling his truck with water, falling off rope swings. That we weren’t there to watch him finally bite it, it just makes you think, ‘What’s the point of it all?’”
MTV has since revamped its production strategy to ensure no tragedy in the lives of their reality stars goes unfilmed. At press time, network producers were eagerly awaiting word of Pauly D’s inevitable cocaine-induced heart failure.