THE MICHIGAN UNION – After a long, arduous appeals process, late last night the Central Student Judiciary declared the Muslim Brotherhood the surprise victor in this year’s Central Student Government elections. Although stalwart political parties forUM and youMICH received more votes in the polls, both were eventually disqualified for violations of election-finance and shariah law. With 27 write-in votes, the third-place Muslim Brotherhood emerged as the clear winner, narrowly edging out both the Defend Affirmative Action Party and Karlita Marks-Lennon, the illegitimate daughter of 2011 election candidate Karlos Marks.
“We give thanks to God for our glorious victory,” said Abdullah al-Abdullah, the leader of the Muslim Brotherhood’s Ann Arbor chapter. “I always knew that our divinely-inspired campaign platform of tastier dorm food, better cell-phone reception, and mandatory beheadings for those who engage in premarital sex would prevail in the end. Now who’s ready to dress modestly?” exclaimed al-Abdullah to a raucous Diag crowd.
With numerous allegations of chalk-writing propaganda, attempts to influence student voters, and the assassination of those who disrespected Brotherhood founder Hassan al-Banna, the election was the most tumultuous on campus since 2012, although no one can much remember what happened then because no one gives a damn about meaningless student elections.
“This election result is under protest and will not stand,” said forUM candidate and man with too much time on his hands Robert McMoran. “If I’m not elected president, how will I ever be able to fill those glaring holes on my resume and in my soul?” he asked plaintively, shortly before being gunned down by a man wearing a keffiyeh.
As a result of an unfortunate stoning-related accident, youMICH presidential candidate Nicole Howard could not be reached for comment.
Originally published: April 2013