UM, WE’RE NOT TOO GOOD WITH THE GEOGRAPHY – Following the exciting news that the University’s School of Information will allow undergraduates to concentrate in Information starting in Fall 2013, sources close to the Board of Regents explained that the change was enacted to combat the sheer amount of ignorance on campus, as part of a larger initiative to ensure that undergraduates actually learn basic facts and common knowledge during their college careers.
“You know, we got caught up in this new-age trend of saying that we’re all about teaching ideas and how to think and that you’re never wrong if you argue your point correctly,” said Provost Phil Hanlon, while slowly rotating a half-empty bottle of bourbon in his hands. “Then someone in the History Department shows you a student’s term paper that’s titled ‘The Life, Presidency, and Dueling Prowess of Alexander Hamilton.’ So then you really start to rethink things.”
The School of Information released other student papers in an effort to illustrate the magnitude of the problem, including “Ecuador’s Next to Zambia, Isn’t It?,” “Why the Michigan Daily Should Be Considered an Esteemed Publication,” and “Ringo Starr: The Greatest Beatle.”
Numerous University administrators noted that the Information major will help to reverse this troubling trend by allowing students to take classes that cover fundamental concepts no longer taught in American elementary, middle, and high schools. Preliminary course offerings include SI 143: ‘I’ before ‘E’ Except After ‘C’, SI 334: Thunder’s the One That Makes Noise, and SI 445: Sticking a Fork into That Outlet Is Generally Not Advised. The School of Information Dean, Jonathan Muller-Martin, explained that having these sorts of courses open to undergraduates highlights the truly exceptional nature of this University.
“This program will be the first of its kind in the nation,” stated Dean Muller-Martin in a press release. “At any other institution, high-level Information courses such as Did You Know that Salt Water Actually Dehydrates You? would be reserved for masters or even doctoral students, but we here at the University of Michigan believe that even our undergraduate students can handle this complex material thanks to their thirst for knowledge and burning desire to not sound like a complete moron in casual conversation.
“That’s the Michigan difference,” he added.
Originally published: April 2013