Obituary: Congressional Gun Reform Dies After Agonizing Struggle with NRA

WASHINGTON – Congressional Gun Reform, a package of bills that had shown such promise during its tragically short life, died on the floor of the Senate Monday night. It was four months old.

Born in the dark hours following the Sandy Hook massacre in December, Gun Reform had a difficult childhood, and was frequently bullied on the Congressional playground by legislators from the feared “Red State” gang. When President Barack Obama informed Congress that he backed Gun Reform, it briefly appeared that the package of bills might make it into legal adulthood, which only made its subsequent death all the more tragic.

Ultimately, Gun Reform’s untimely death was all but inevitable after it came into contact with NRA, a rare but potentially lethal infectious disease. NRA had also killed Gun Reform’s parents, ‘94 Gun Reform and ‘02 Gun Reform.

“I had always hoped that Gun Reform legislation would pass, but not like this,” said Harry Reid, a senator who refused to allow the young bill to undergo NRA inoculation and is thus blamed by many for its unfortunate death. “Rest assured that Gun Reform’s death is not in vain – we are working on a new package of bills as we speak,” said the Nevada senator, without explaining how such future legislation would avoid dying of NRA-related complications as well.

Gun Reform is predeceased by its parents, its cousins Trillion-Dollar Platinum Coin Act and Equal Rights Amendment, and the tens of thousands who are killed by gun violence in America each year. It leaves no survivors.

At press time, Congressional Gun Reform was seen being thrown into an unmarked mass grave filled with the lifeless carcasses of Climate-Change Legislation, Immigration Reform, and Closing Guantanamo Bay.

Originally published: April 2013

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