BACK IN YOUR MOTHER’S UTERUS – MFA candidate Martin Kohlberg reports that latent sexual desire is heavily influencing the writing of the students in his ENGLISH 225: Introduction to Creative Writing class. Kohlberg noted he is happy to see his students accepting this fact, even though most of them were completely unaware aware of the importance of repressed psychosexual fantasies in their work until Kohlberg indicated it to them.
“I wrote a story about a football player who redeemed himself after a bad game by working hard and never giving up,” said LSA freshman Shane Jackson. “I didn’t even know it was an extended metaphor for my unconscious urge to be tarred and feathered repeatedly by a demonic tribe of pregnant women while I masturbate to no avail.
“Marty really helped me figure all that out in office hours,” added Jackson.
“On the surface, my first set of poems seemed like they were just about spring, loneliness, and the human condition,” said Nursing sophomore Melika Caren. “I had no idea they indicated a hysterical urge to be dominated by a pistol-whipping dwarf.”
“At first I had considered this class a blow-off, but I’ve actually learned a lot about myself in it,” explained LSA freshman Bobby Winters. “For example, after Marty and I met up for bubble tea one weekend to talk about my portfolio, I started to see how the enjambment on line six could really be read as a metonymic representation of my suppression of Mother, the internalized super-ego, in an attempt to dominate Father, the effective object of my penis envy and ownmost obstruction to my psychosexual self-actualization.”
At press time, Kohlberg was engaged in an extensive closed-door meeting with a student whose short prose piece, which focused on the importance of celibacy in the protagonist’s life, read like a “hackneyed knockoff of Fifty Shades of Grey.”
Originally published: April 2013