DEFINITELY NOT RICK’S – Despite celebrating his 21st birthday just last Wednesday, LSA junior Kai Sanderson has quickly become a self-proclaimed “beer virtuoso” after sampling a sundry assortment of lagers, IPAs, stouts, porters, stoutish porters, and, of course, hefeweizens.
“In terms of my preference for alcoholic beverages, I’ve really matured in the last week,” Sanderson said.
“I shudder to think of how I could ever deign to drink Natty Light, PBR, and the like. But as they say, wisdom comes with age, and now that I know better, the lowest I’d dream of going would probably be Darkhorse Raspberry Ale – but you’d have to pay me first,” Sanderson continued, with a gentle shake of his head and a hearty chuckle.
Sanderson’s transition has not gone unnoticed by friends and acquaintances, who have professed strong admiration for his new talents. “It really is an astounding transformation. Kai used to party like everyone else, drinking whatever was on hand just to get a buzz. I’m pretty sure I even saw him chase with ketchup once,” said Sanderson’s friend Steve Robbins. “Now he reads beer labels for bottling dates and IBUs – whatever those are.”
Sanderson’s newfound expertise has afforded him incredible insight into other aspects of his life as well. During a recent trip to Panda Express, Sanderson noted how the orange chicken, much like a fine wheat beer, was a symphony of delicate yet complex flavors playing off of one another in perfect harmony. “The glaze had this tangy citrus body with hints of ginger and sesame which was followed by a more mild, nutty aftertaste. The combination of the two culminated in the definitive sweet-and-sour flavor experience,” explained Sanderson. “Meanwhile, the 20-oz. Sprite I ordered on the side could have been improved with a foamier head and lower tap temperature.”
However, Sanderson admits that not all aspects of his sudden maturation have been positive. “Now that I’m more worldly, hanging around my ‘friends’ has turned into such a bourgeois experience. They just don’t seem to have that joie de vivre I so desire in companions. But I’m confident that this is just all over their heads right now. Once they turn 21, I’m sure they’ll get it. I know I did,” said Sanderson from his leather chair while stroking the long, thick beard he had recently grown.
“If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my study writing a strongly worded letter to Ashley’s, advising them to permanently remove Michelob Ultra from their menu. You know, to help cut down on the riffraff.”
Originally published: April 2013
