Rates Of Crying, Metabolism Soar In Response To Public Humiliation
THE BLACKTOP – A study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released Friday found that constant, community-based efforts to wantonly humiliate obese children may result in substantial weight loss and BMI reduction. The long-term, randomized, double-blind study was aimed at motivating a shift in the way we address the nation’s growing obesity epidemic.
“Contemporary wisdom would tell us that it’s simply reckless to think we could motivate kids to make better nutritional choices and achieve enduring lifestyle changes just by teasing the living shit out of them,” said lead researcher Dr. Lara Rutherford. “Turns out, we can. Our study confirmed that constantly and publicly reminding children of their bulbous, pathetic excuse for a human body actually does the job pretty well.”
Researchers began to see substantial weight loss just days into their study of the effects of social derision on weight loss. Especially successful were test subjects who responded to peer ridicule by subsequently refusing to eat at all.
Still, some parents of test subjects were initially concerned that their children would react negatively to persistent patterns of verbal abuse and social alienation. “At first, I was worried that Tony would really have his feelings hurt when his teacher encouraged the class to refer to him exclusively as ‘butterball’ or ‘doughboy,’” recalled Anne Malinowski, who volunteered her son for the study after witnessing him consume an entire stick of butter as an after-school snack. “But 75 pounds and six pant sizes later, I don’t have any regrets.”
“We actually had to end the study earlier than planned after observing such overwhelmingly-positive effects on BMI,” said Dr. Rutherford.
The researchers have yet to investigate the potential for adverse psychological consequences on obese children but speculate that such effects are “negligible at most.”