MASTER BEDROOM/THE DUNGEON?—The highly anticipated film Fifty Shades of Grey is still a year away from release, yet production company Focus Features is already causing quite a stir around the nation. Following the announcement of actor Charlie Hunnam to play novel protagonist Christian Grey, many fans have resorted to pathetically masturbating to a vague idea of whoever the hell this Charlie Hunnam is. Harold Shaw of Ann Arbor is also awaiting the film’s debut, though more out of fear than excitement.
“No, I’ve never read the book,” attests Shaw. “But I’ve heard there’s some real freaky stuff that goes on and God only knows what my wife is going to expect in the bedroom after that movie comes out.”
Busy installing iron bracers under the couple’s king size bed, Shaw worries that he will not be able to live up to the raw sexual power of the book’s young entrepreneur Christian. Shaw, who already deals with erectile dysfunction, states that not knowing how many times he will be expected to pleasure his wife using only his fists or while wearing nipple clamps and a dog collar around his neck “really puts a lot of pressure on [him].”
Shaw mentioned that he was obviously a little excited to see what would be in store for him in a year, but also incredibly terrified of the things he may have to learn and perfect before then. Browsing through Urban Dictionary’s collection of sex terms, Shaw sighed and slumped back in his chair.
“The Philly Steamroller? The Thai Tow-Truck? Jesus. At this age, I’ve got enough trouble with the Missionary.”
Shaw’s wife Alice has not read the novel either but has mentioned she and her girlfriends “might make a night out of it,” giving Shaw only about 332 days to prepare for one “steamy night in the sack.”
“So far, I’ve got about 20 dildos stockpiled up in my garage—ranging in size, color, mold, texture, and material,” noted Shaw as he ran down his Excel sheet, which also listed seven vibrators, two pairs of handcuffs (both fuzzy and metal), one Mega Sized Fun Box of Legos, a gallon of Miracle Whip, and a set of 4-irons.
“I have no idea how this thing is going to play out,” Shaw admitted. “I’ll either end up in a world of pleasure far more intense than I’ve ever dared to dream about, or in the hospital nursing several rectal tears. Either way, it’ll be an experience, I guess.”