Family of Slain Baby Really Playing it Up on Five O’Clock News

WHINERS-VILLE, POPULATION 2—As the story of a one-year-old Brooklyn boy shot in his stroller makes the rounds on the five o’clock news, inside sources agree that the surviving parents and family members—with their fits of convulsive sobbing and abject despair—are really milking their airtime for all it’s worth.

“I’ve never had an infant shot in the head by a stray bullet,” said Brooklyn resident Joanna Selnik, “But, man, if I did, I don’t know if I’d be that emotionally affected by it. Especially on broadcast TV.”

“Something tells me these people are really putting it on for the camera, you know? Like the mom just kept flashing her obnoxious wedding ring, and she clearly left those mascara tear stains on her cheek for some sympathy. I mean, c’mon, the kid was only with them for a year or so,” added Selnik.

The young Brooklyn couple—who have reportedly spent the last five years of their lives saving money, attempting to conceive, monitoring the pregnancy, going through labor, and then cultivating the deepest spiritual and emotional bond with their young son—appears to many to be “blowing the whole thing out of proportion” and “fishing for sympathy.”

The couple’s alternately hysterical sobs and solemn remembrances have been compared to Miley Cyrus’ recent VMA performance in their magnitude and transparency as a “desperate call for attention.”

“Through all of this tragedy, there is one thing we must all remember,” said Eyewitness News Host Bill Hunt. “This story isn’t about you, that couple, or that little boy who was tragically shot dead. It’s about us.”

“We’ll be back right after the break.”

Originally published: September 2013

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