CHICAGO—Globally-recognized entertainer and well-known crazy person Kanye West held a press conference late Tuesday night to announce that he was, indeed, the savior, creator and ultimate deity of a new world religion: Kanyetholicism. In a culture that often creates gods out of celebrities, Mr. West is now believed to be the first celebrity to actually believe he is a god.
Dr. David Andrews, a noted clinical psychologist, observed that, “Mr. West seems to have a unique psychological condition. He seems to suffer from a mental illness that combines your standard messiah complex, with a room-filling ego and a crippling sense of paranoia.”
Dr. Andrews named this newly discovered condition Yeezus Complex.
The news of Mr. West’s self-proclaimed divinity came as a surprise to very few, as Mr. West recently released an album featuring a song entitled “I Am A God.” (Though it is unclear whether the speaker is Mr. West, another higher being, or some quantum- spiritual superposition of man-and-god-in- flesh.)
Historically, Mr. West has attributed a number of miracles to himself, including (1) the rightful bestowence of the VMA for Best Music Video 2009 on Beyonce; (2) the immaculate birth of his recently renamed child Yeezus Simba Mid-North-South-East-West: (3) the commercial success of My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy and (4) the act of delivering himself from his mother’s womb
while simultaneously creating beats that would later be used on his Grammy award winning album 808s & Heartbreak.
Mr. West’s self-attribution of miracles is a standard symptom of his condition, Dr. Andrews elaborated. “As a rapper, Kanye naturally had to be boastful almost as a defense mechanism. His current condition can be seen as a corruption of that once useful behavior. For example, Kanye would never refer to himself as just any rapper, but as the greatest rapper alive. In his new role as God, he isn’t just any old celebrity, but is instead an omniscient being that demands complete respect and devotion.”
When asked why he went against the grain and resisted joining the religion of the rich and famous, Scientology, Mr. West replied, “Way too much couch jumping man, and they gonna hate me for saying this, but that’s why y’all love me. Cause as God—I mean, as I say—Oprah would smack the shit out of a black man if he jumped all over her couch, shit looked expensive. Damn, fucking creepy ass Tom Cruise, free Katy Perry!”
Mr. West then exited his press conference with a flourish, in the newfound tradition of his religion, by leaning forward, snorting a line of coke off of a large pair of natural breasts with pancake-sized areolas, kicking his chair over, throwing one hundred dollar bills in the air and being booed off the stage screaming.