ANN ARBOR—Incoming freshman Ryan “Spy Guy” Parks will reportedly have sexual intercourse with about 152 girls by the end of his senior year, according to some preliminary estimates done by himself.
Reports confirm that the self-described party-animal plans on “living it up college style” with no regrets, as it will supposedly be the best time of his successful, fulfilling life.
“I figure, I’ll be here for four years, so four times 52 weekends comes out to 416 different parties to find some snatch to bang,” said Parks. “So assuming I have an off night every once in a while, or decide to stay in and hang out with all the cool friends I’m going to make here, I’ll probably end up going to pound town on around 150, maybe 160 different pieces of tail.”
“But that’s not counting the extra babes during welcome week,” he added. “Or my friends’ sisters and exes. Or all the threesomes.”
The scientifically rigorous calculation, however, did not take into account the inevitable blowjobs that Parks would receive in fraternity bathrooms, over-the-pants handjobs that would occur during class, or lusty older professors who would inevitably throw themselves at him in a sexual fashion during office hours.
Parks’ study also received criticism for counting discreet sexual encounters that occur on the same night as only ‘one encounter,’ while completely disregarding the various fingerings, dick-strokings, and anal insertions that would go down on the dance floors of various crowded parties.
Furthermore, Parks’ equation did not take into account any acts of cunnilingus he would be performing on the women who would be participating in his abundant sexual conquests. In response, Parks reportedly claimed that “eating out is fucking gross.”
As of this printing, Parks is currently out on bail for public indecency after he was seen vigorously masturbating outside the women’s bathroom.
Originally published: September 2013