WASHINGTON D.C.—In a report released to members of Congress during a special hearing regarding overreaches in NSA Surveillance, it was revealed that 64 percent of information used to capture and target terrorists is obtained through the Domino’s Pizza Tracker.
While it has long been rumored that terrorists cannot resist the savory delights of Domino’s Original Hand Tossed Pizzas®, the American public was shocked to hear that the status of their Domino’s Pizza deliveries were not only meticulously tracked by the company, but also by the sweaty, paranoid employees of the National Security Agency.
According to the documents, tactical utilization of the Dominos Pizza Tracker began in late 2010, when a CIA operative, with the cooperation of Domino’s Pizza, disseminated the online coupon code “DTH2AMRCA” amongst known and suspected Al-Qaeda operatives. Enticed by the opportunity to receive a free 16-piece Parmesan Bread Bites with the order of a Medium two-topping Pan Pizza at menu price, militants began placing orders using the coupon code, completely unaware of the NSA/ CIA operation underway.
Predator drone operator Dale Abbot testified to Congress as to how exactly the CIA utilized the information gathered through the Domino’s Pizza Tracker. “Every time a pizza order was placed using the code within the Northern Waziristan section of Pakistan, the delivery address was uploaded directly to the nearest predator drone, which would promptly deliver anywhere from one to six Hellfire Missiles to the customer’s location.”
Upon hearing the news, many Americans have expressed outrage at what they see as an invasion of their Constitutional right to privacy. “I pay my taxes and serve on jury duty whenever I’m called upon to do so. In exchange, I expect the government to leave me to order fast food in peace. What business is it of theirs whether I prefer the Spinach and Feta ArtisanTM Pizza or the Fiery HawaiianTM?” remarked accountant Candace Shepherd.
“Sure, they say they’re only assessing security risks,” added metalworker Terry Robbins, “but next thing you know they’re taking advantage of my love for double pepperoni by jacking up the topping price three times as high.”
Congress has scrutinized all responsible for involvement in Pizza Tracker surveillance, but those accused stood firmly by the operation.
“Nothing that we did was illegal in any way,” Abbot spat into the microphone while pounding his fist. “After the target was neutralized, we delivered the Medium two-topping Pan Pizza and complimentary 16-piece Parmesan Bread Bites as promised. And we never even got a tip.”
Abbot then added, “So who’s the real criminal?”