A computer-generated image of McCafferty in two years time.
ANN ARBOR—Freshman Hayden McCafferty’s once-promising medical career was ruined Tuesday after receiving a C+ on the first paper of his mandatory Great Books 101 course. Experts agree that this grade will inevitably propel McCafferty into a downward spiral of utter depravity and failure.
Adlai Richards, admissions chair for the University of Michigan Medical School, confirmed that because of his grade, McCafferty will undoubtedly resort to eating charred rat carcases beside garbage fires in the near future.
“A C+ on a short freshman-year paper will unfortunately follow this young man throughout his entire life,” said Richards. “We live in a very competitive world, and there’s no room for C+’s. If I was reviewing his application, this red flag would send him straight to the ‘Not Doctor Material’ pile. It’s sad to say the boy might as well take his own life at this point.”
“I’m not happy about it and I expected something much higher,” said McCafferty, the future street-hardened bum. “But I figure that it was only worth 15% of my grade, so if I go to office hours and work hard on my other papers and study for the exam, I can bring my grade back to a solid A.”
Many around him, however, do not share the innocent boy’s foolish notions of redemption.
After learning of the grade, McCafferty’s girlfriend, Kristin Favel, reportedly broke up with him, claiming that this shell of a formerly ambitious teenager was “no longer the boy [she] fell in love with.”
“He used to be so full of passion,” Favel said through tears, “But he squandered that talent and I can’t take it anymore. A C+, for Christ’s sake… who could love him now?”
Don McCafferty, Hayden’s father, claimed that had he known how his child would have turned out, he would have forced his wife to get an abortion.
“He did this to us, after all the goddamn work we put into him. His mother’s so miserable she hasn’t been able to get out of bed. We raised him to be a good kid, not some ‘C+’-getting piece of shit,” said McCafferty, shaking. “I have no son.”
As of this publication, McCafferty was spotted studying for a calculus exam while the University Office of the Registrar considered the likely revocation of his status as a student.
Originally published: September 2013