APPLETON, WI – Local graduate student John Michelson, described by his friends as “your average entitled, misogynistic asshole”, admitted Thursday that after a few drinks, he departs from these core values by going on drunken feminist rants.
Sources confirm that the 26 year old attended a party at his old frat Friday night, fully intending to schmooze and take advantage freshmen who he gleefully labeled “Fresh meat.” But, after taking several drinks, Michelson was spotted telling an eighteen year old in a neon crop top that she “was really intelligent and had so much potential to do great things in her life.”
“It was really disgusting to watch,” said Michelson’s friend and former frat brother, Trent Bradley. “Normally John is a stand-up dude. He calls girls skanks and bitches, makes rape jokes, and one time I saw him slap a random girl’s ass in the middle of the afternoon. But whenever he throws down a few beers he becomes a totally different person. Last week we caught him stumbling around the house, slipping paperback copies of The Yellow Wallpaper under everyone’s doors.”
Michelson said that in order to prevent such outbursts, he has been drinking at least ten shots a night in order to build up a tolerance. Yet Michelson’s roommate reported that the night usually ends with Michelson watching Rachel Maddow, nodding aggressively, and clapping prior to each commercial break.
Michelson has yet to show any improvement on this unfortunate persona, but he assures that he is working as hard as he can to keep his sexist values no matter which substances he has ingested. “It’s like what that hot-ass teacher told me in middle school—‘Always stay true to yourself no matter what.’ That chick was totally on-point, and if I remember correctly, she had a nice rack too.”
Originally published: Oct 2013