Ask an Overly-Aggressive Online Political Commenter

Dear Overly-Aggressive Online Political Commenter,

My boyfriend’s birthday is in a few weeks. I’d like to get him something really special because it’s his 21st, but I don’t really want the present to be drinking related because that seems so trite. Is there anything you can suggest? I thought a nice collared sweater or other clothes might be nice.

Sincerely,
Bothered Over Birthdays

 

Dear Bothered,
Here we go again. The fucking biased media only telling you one side of the story. Just another goose-stepping tactic to limit American rights. WAKE UP, FOLKS. This is no democracy anymore and it hasn’t been for a long time. We’ve all been asleep and been had. I woke up this morning and my money was gone, my car totaled, and my daughter pregnant. And you ask who’s to blame. Really? Take a guess. It’s Uncle Sam having his way with our wallets and our minds. And Congress is just letting it happen… caught with their hands down their pants again.

 

Dear Overly-Aggressive Online Political Commenter,

My parents have been having trouble at home recently and I’m afraid that they soon will be getting a divorce. I guess it’s different now that I’m out of the house and away from them at UM, but I don’t want to come home to separated parents. Can’t they just wait it out a little longer until I graduate from undergrad?

Sincerely,
Pestered With Parents

 

Dear Pestered,

This is a trite bit of drivel, not journalism. If you are too weak of character to use the phrase “tyrannical dystopia,” go away until you find a BACKBONE. If you are too simple minded to recognize that Uncle Sam has been groping all of us for the past dozen years, please EDUCATE yourself. Worst of all, quoting documented anarchists from the criminal past four administrations on anything is malpractice. I’d enjoy gouging your eyes out with a fork.

 

Dear Overly-Aggressive Online Political Commenter,

What are your thoughts on the politics of Iceland?

Sincerely,
Writing a school report on the politics of Iceland

 

Dear Writing,

Another brilliant analysis by a cake eater. Let me answer your question with a few of my own. Where is all of our tax money going? Why is my 401k suddenly depreciating in value? And isn’t it interesting that the media, who’s in bed with the corporate lobbyists, controls large stock in the fast food industry? Face the facts, OP. You’re just a dumb, fucking moron.

 

Originally published: Oct 2013

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