WILLIAMSBURG, NY – Residents of many hipster-heavy neighborhoods have recently noticed a remarkable downturn in the number of artsy, snobbish, fashion-conscious folks, whom social scientists believe to be leaving their indie-saturated enclaves in droves in pursuit of fashionably average lives.
“It’s true that I live in a two-bedroom house in the suburbs with my family and work five days a week just like everyone else, but the difference is that I’m doing it ironically,” said former Williamsburg resident Elliot Conrad. “Every day I wake up, drink my morning coffee, ride the subway into work and pound away at Excel spreadsheets until 5 PM, but I do it in this way that totally subverts the norm and conveys a really powerful message about consumerism and the worship of money. That’s something all these sheeple, like my neighbor Dave, would never understand.”
Despite the initial tension, Conrad’s neighbors say that he is a welcome addition to the community. In particular his ironic barbecues have garnered him popularity, said local resident Larry Smith as Conrad smugly handed him a beef burger. Conrad described his lifestyle as “satirically mainstream,” as evidenced by his farcical screening of the Cubs game.
There have been serious ramifications to the hipster diaspora, however. Thousands of vacant apartments and art galleries are now available for poor inner-city families, while The Salvation Army leader Andre Cox is “delighted that our clothes are now going to actual homeless people instead of these young rich people who dress like them.” Additionally, hundreds of fixed gear bicycles are being melted down every day to make cookware for the new suburban demographic and Adult Swim’s viewership has dropped to nearly zero.
Commenting on the cultural changes, Conrad noted that “all that artistic indie stuff is so yesterday anyway. Trying to be unique was totally counterproductive. The only way to truly make a statement on American society is to really get into it, you know?”
“This is a far cry from my previous life, but it’s all worth it; I can’t imagine where I’d be without my wife and kids. I love them so much,” Conrad said, before adding “ironically, of course.”
Originally published: Oct 2013