Have you checked the weather today? I’m just sayin’, because I know you’re new to Michigan, so you don’t get how crazy the weather can be. I know it was 70 degrees yesterday, but damn, today it is cold – like 58-degrees-cold. Yeah, you’re definitely not in Wisconsin anymore.
Hold on, hold on – please tell me you’re going to eat breakfast…here, take an apple. No need to thank me, I’m just being a good mentor, trying to help you out. I know it’s hard to believe, but it wasn’t too long ago that I was in your shoes. I came here from Florida last year – man, that feels like a lifetime ago, you know? No, no, what am I saying? Of course you don’t know. But you will.
And when you do, you’ll really miss this time of innocence and total ignorance – (maybe you should start making your bed while I’m talking?) – I mean, I envy your youthful optimism and your blind commitment to a worthless liberal arts degree, I really do. But the woman you see today is hardened by experience. I’ve seen things, heard things that you wouldn’t understand – oh, but I won’t burden you with that just yet.
Just know that I’ve been in your position and I’ve come through to the other side. A year from now, you’ll be just as experienced and mature as me. No, I mean it! Sounds crazy, right? But before you know it, you’ll find yourself riding the Bursley-Baits bus like a pro and strolling into class at ‘Michigan time’ with a free bagel and coffee from the Alumni Center; that first time you make a freshman’s day by telling them what ‘Welcome Wednesday’ is… well, that’s when you can smile and say to yourself, “I’ve made it.”
But until then, just make sure to do every single thing I say. Like my laundry, for instance – it’s for your own good, even though you’re not mature enough to understand that yet.
I’ve gotta say, you’re lucky to have me, what with all my experience and wisdom.
Originally published October 2013