Quick-Thinking Introvert Narrowly Avoids Human Interaction by Staring at Phone

Ken Withers, 28, after the young recluse reportedly drew his phone with cat-like reflexes in order to avert a friendly conversation with someone entering the same elevator as him. After nodding semi-politely at the man’s cheery “good morning,” witnesses claim Withers maintained his ground for about half a minute before exiting on floor five unscathed.

Withers, a veteran introvert, luckily had extensive experience in avoiding any and all forms of meaningful social interaction; sources close to Withers confirm that he has, on occasion, passed classmates and even close friends without making eye contact and has spent days without faceto- face communication of any kind with another human being. Sources claim Withers relied on this crucial experience to avoid what onlookers referred to as the “nightmare scenario” of inevitable amiable engagement with another person.

“That guy was coming straight at him, all ‘good morning this,’ ‘how you doing’ that,” said security guard Ryan O’Connor. “It was a close one. Thankfully Withers knew what he was doing in a pinch; the battery in his phone was completely dead, but that didn’t stop him for a second. He whipped it out without thinking, without hesitation. He sure taught that jerk what happens when you try to amicably greet a stranger.”

According to witnesses, Withers stared calmly at his blank phone, thumbing it aimlessly and clearing his throat as the other elevator passenger stood beside him for what must have been a solid thirty seconds, only yielding once to cough into his arm.

When asked for comment, Withers claimed that what he did was “nothing extraordinary.”

“I’m not really, erm, a hero or… like… um,” mumbled Withers incoherently as he shifted from foot to foot, staring alternatively at the ground, his phone, and to the left. “Anyone else, you know, would have, um…”

Originally published Oct 2013.

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