Citing new Russian laws that ban the presentation of “homosexual propaganda” to minors, the Sochi 2014 Olympic Committee announced that it would be canceling 60% of its previously scheduled events due to their “undeniable gayness.”
Said chairman Boris Zorolev in a written statement, “it is not the responsibility ofour committee to pass judgment on the decisions of our president or his government. It is our responsibility to uphold the law of the Russian Federation. Therefore we took it upon ourselves to get rid of all the gay sports. Now we can live free from fear that our children will think it acceptable to frolic around an ice rink in tights and sequins.”
Zorolev’s statement goes on to outline the particular features that make an athletic event homosexual, including “the packing of more than one man into a sled, athletes names Apollo, and/or the presence of brooms in an athletic event.
Immediately rejected from the roster were figure skating, curling, bobsled, and speed skating. Less clear, however, was the committee’s stance on the biathlon, where it appeared officials could go both ways.
As of press time, Russian president Vladimir Putin could not be reached for comment as he is away on a “shirtless judo retreat” with longtime political partner and current Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev.