Woman Realizes She’s Not Even Funny Enough To Be Fat, Funny Friend

Thursday evening at New York City bar Little Branch, Brooklyn resident Chrissy Carr came to the stark realization that, although weighing in at 215 pounds, she does not illicit enough genuine laughter from her social circle to hold the position of Fat, Funny Friend. Her epiphany came at approximately 11:08 that night, just seconds after two sympathetic friends offered a pity laugh in response to yet another ill-timed joke from Carr.
Sources have reported that Carr fell unusually silent for the rest of the night, refraining from her usual Step Brothers quotes, excessive sarcasm, and dead baby jokes.
“I don’t mind that she stayed quiet,” commented one friend. “She just kind of hovered over the menu instead. In fact, the only time I heard her speak again was when we all wanted to leave and she ordered dessert.”
“I just know it. I’m the fat, boring friend,” Carr said. “Who wants one of those?”
The members of Carr’s social circle also realized that she no longer fills a necessary role in the group, and have so far been unable to unanimously select a new position for Carr.
“She never really was that funny,” admitted Kelsey–the tall, sassy friend. “But she used to be skinny so it was okay. Now that she’s gained weight, it’s tougher to fit her into our circle.”
“She’s the kind of girl who will always go out for ice cream with you, or who will always listen when you complain about being single,” added the nerdy, but overly sexual Jennifer. Jennifer then mentioned that time last February when Carr requested the group refer to her as Fat Chrissy. “She certainly has a big, uh, personality. It just doesn’t happen to be amusing in any way.”
For her part, Carr is frustrated. “Rebel Wilson, Melissa McCarthy, they’re carrying some extra weight, but people love them. What gives?” Carr noted that in looking to change her social position, she has “tried everything,” except for healthy eating and cardiovascular exercise. “Sometimes it’s frustrating to be overweight in a society so image-driven, but that’s just my cross to bear,” Carr remarked. “Maybe I’ll be the fat slutty friend.”
Originally published: Oct 2013

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