With the November 30th rivalry game between Michigan and Ohio State University rapidly approaching, Ross sophomore Sam Alfarzi has been nearly unable to talk about anything lately except for his intense loathing of the OSU football team; completely ignoring things far more deserving of his contempt such as child molesters, killers, institutional racism, and cancer, among others.
“If there’s one thing that sucks about this world, it’s the Buckeyes,” Alfarzi said while stepping over a homeless man on his way to class. “Sure, they may have never committed a genocide, disenfranchised an entire people, or really harmed anyone in any serious way, but goddamn if they aren’t the smuggest bastards you’ll ever meet.”
Although Alfarzi is not “completely sure” what makes the Ohio sports team so much worse than conceivably everything else on the planet, he has his suspicions.
“I think their attitude is what really drives me crazy and allows me to ignore the fact that there are way more sinister and serious threats facing the world. It’s like just because they almost always beat us, they think they’re better than us or something,” Alfarzi said.
Sources report that Alfarzi is not just aware of the other evils in the world, but in fact has even demonstrated conscientiousness of crises like the ongoing situation in Syria. Alfarzi is on record donating $10 to an antichemical weapons NGO. However, Alfarzi has also spent a total of $50 on anti-OSU shirts reading “Buck the Fuckeyes” and “OSU can suck my wang.”
“Look, I’m not saying people like Assad, Westboro Baptist Church members and Jerry Sandusky aren’t all despicable, but Jesus, the way those Ohio State motherfuckers jeer at us when they get an interception makes my blood boil like nothing else can,” Alfarzi said.
At press time, Alfarzi was watching a documentary in his Business Ethics class on how Nestlé regularly prices poor Africans out of being able to afford fresh water, but still remained convinced that the OSU Buckeyes were somehow much worse.
Originally published November 2013