Medical Marijuana Patient Picking Up Prescription at Midnight on a Saturday Must Really Need It

THAT ONE DISPENSARY RIGHT ACROSS FROM ROSS—School of Art and Design senior Skylar Higgins reportedly must have desperately needed that medical marijuana prescription which abruptly left a friend’s party around 11:40 PM on Saturday to pick up.

“Thanks for having me over guys, it was a blast, but now it’s time to pick up some kind bud so I can really make the most of tonight, you feel me?” Higgins said with a playful wink.

Partygoers were saddened to realize that Higgins’ medical condition must have been extremely severe to necessitate a late night emergency stop to obtain large quantities of the controlled substance.

“Can you imagine what kind of pain you would have to be in to need a prescription in the middle of the night like that? His glaucoma, chronic nausea, insomnia, mild social anxiety or whatever must be pretty damn brutal,” LSA senior André Lucas said.

“Jeez, poor Skylar. I wonder what’s wrong

with him? Hopefully it’s nothing a green prescription tube of some dank-ass med-grade Tutankhamen can’t fix,” agreed Engineering junior Thalia Wheland.

After picking up four grams of the medication, Higgins was seen purchasing a Slurpee, two Milky Way candy bars, and a family-sized bag of Cheetos Puffs before heading to the apartment of his friends Chet and TJ. The group reportedly watched an entire season of Adventure Time on Netflix and listened to Daft Punk’s “Technologic” on repeat for 45 minutes. Soon after, Higgins, who reportedly had red eyes and a dopey grin on his face, left for his apartment, where he then slept deeply for 13 hours straight.

At press time, it had been discovered that the prescription bottle remained unopened and was delivered to Higgins’ mother, who is currently struggling with negative side effects from the treatment for her stage III ovarian cancer.

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