There has been a lot of talk about Second Amendment rights lately. A wide range of politicians claim that I, James Madison, father of The Constitution and The Bill of Rights, would agree with their stance on gun control.
I have decided to take this opportunity to reiterate exactly what I wrote in 1789. Every white male, regardless of mental state, has a God given right to carry a deadly weapon. I am amazed women and negroes can now vote, let alone carry a weapon, but hey, I guess I just miss the good old days.
Guns are able to give everyday Americans a huge boost of self-esteem. That asshole George Washington may be really a masculine war hero and appeared to be a total “badass,” but if I had shown up to the Constitutional Convention with set of twin matching muskets, I bet he wouldn’t have kept calling me “Little Jemmy Madison” in front of all the other delegates. It wouldn’t have mattered that I’m five foot four and weigh less than one hundred pounds.
Holding that huge assault rifle in my hands would have made everyone see how manly I really am. I could blasted every living thing in that room to bits at any moment, and all of those bullies would have cowered under my fearsome stature. That would have shown them.
“But wait,” liberal pussies say, “There have been astronomical technological advancements since you wrote the Second Amendment. Guns now have the ability to spray hundreds of bullets at a time and utterly destroy human flesh. People get shot during everyday activities, like going to school or to the movies!”
I had to make freedom of speech, religion, and press the First Amendment, but if Ben Franklin was not such a pot smoking hippie, it would have been the right to bear arms. That is how much I love it. You people may think some crazy shit nowadays, like that slavery is wrong or that humans were once monkeys, but you did get one thing right: guns are fucking awesome.
Originally published: Nov 2013