Overweight Man Bids Adieu to Penis Until Spring

With his Holiday season weight gain well underway, local chubber Nate Wertz is counting down the days until the months of watching football, eating and napping cause his ever-expanding stomach to eclipse his sad, pathetic little penis.

“I think the eclipse might come a little early this year, Halloween was really productive and I think I’ll probably have enough weight on by November 28th,” said Wertz. “I’m really excited, I can’t wait until I can’t see my penis anymore. When I put on my holiday weight no one wants to sleep with my anyways, so I’m really glad my gut blocks the view of my dick, as the sight of it would probably just make me sad.”

Wertz is not alone, as men across the nation are reportedly looking forward to gaining weight and not having to deal with the pressure of seeing their penis until well into spring. However, even with the direct line of sight blocked, Wertz knows he faces the threat of seeing his penis in a thousand different ways.

“Last year I got kind of cocky and happened to sneak a peak of myself in the mirror, thinking that by now surely the overhang of my gut would completely block my lil dude from the front, sadly I was mistaken,” Wertz explained. “This time I will be avoiding all mirrors and reflective surfaces of any kind.” Wertz has even taken the extraordinary measure of buying opaque spoons so that he can continue to enjoy his midafternoon bowl of cereal in the buff.

Wertz isn’t the only one who plans to avoid the sight of his naked body all winter, as his long-term girlfriend, unbeknownst to Wertz, is planning on leaving him to vacation in the Caribbean with her Pilates instructor Carrie come February.

Forecasters believe that the reappearance of the penis will occur sometime in early February, once the weather warms up and Wertz post-holidays depression suppresses his appetite. Although, if his tiny sad penis happens to see its shadow upon reemerging, the chances of it retreating back into a crevasse of fat are great.

Originally published Nov 2013

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