VARIOUS CAMPUS LOCALES – The entirety of the University of Michigan’s male student population has declared that it could easily tell jokes in front of a live audience. Although male students are pretty sure they will be all right with their chosen major, they are confident that they have a rapier wit, a near-perfect sense of comedic timing, and can make on-point observations about everyday life.
LSA Freshman Stan Mullenberg said, “really, how hard can it be? I’ve had some material in mind since high school, and I’ve gone to a couple Dane Cook shows so I get the gist. I’ve even come up with some quality stuff about how much it sucks to live on North Campus. My girlfriend tells me I’m the funniest guy she knows!”
School of Engineering Sophomore Evan Wilson agrees, saying, “I have this really great set about nagging women and my roommate loved it.” Wilson added that he “plans to bust it out at BTB this Friday.” Judging by the reactions of his roommate and various girls at parties, there is no doubt that Wilson’s routine will be a smashing success.
Mullenberg and Wilson are only two of 21,000 male students who are sure to go places if they reveal how truly funny they are. Comedy Central executive Lance Frasier has said that the University of Michigan is “an absolute hotbed of humor. George Carlin and Louis CK have nothing on the material that comes out of Union open mic nights.” After a lengthy board meeting Frasier has concluded that “any male Michigan student who started doing standup would get their own Comedy Central Presents special within two months, guaranteed.”
This news comes as no surprise to the male student body, which is now more confident than ever of its potential success in comedy. Said LSA Junior Marcus Stephans, “I always knew those 30 seconds I spent scribbling some dining hall food jokes onto an Ahmo’s napkin would pay off, and it looks like I was right.” Stephans has since spent at least 15 more precious seconds typing notes on his iPhone on the way to class.
While it is certain that the entirety of the male student body’s future in comedy is bright, that does not mean it is resting on its laurels. Sources report that recently the male student body has been devoting increasingly large amounts of time to practicing standup routines in the shower.
Originally published Dec. 2013