Joe Perry, notable to friends and family for his distrust of government institutions and extreme laziness in the face of gift-giving, announced Thursday that every single one of his holiday gifts would consist of a card stuffed with different denotations of Bitcoins, the digital P2P currency lacking any institutional oversight.
“In the past I’ve taken care of my holiday obligations by shoving a twenty into a Hallmark card and sending it along, ” reported Perry. “But after this whole NSA mess I did some digging and realized that paper currency is actually issued and regulated by Barack Hussein Obama’s Government.”
“Same goes for the fucking post office,” Perry added.
Since that revelation, Perry says that he does all of his financial transactions using Bitcoins. Perry notes that while Bitcoins complicate certain day-to-day transactions such as tipping at restaurants, they are the perfect present to give and receive over the holidays.
“If you buy someone a present, you don’t know if they’ll like it,” Perry reiterated. “But if you get Bitcoins, you can use them to buy anything. And because they are untraceable, I really mean anything. My niece asked for a Barbie playset, and if she wants to use the Bitcoins to buy one, she can. But she could also buy clothes, school supplies, designer drugs, prostitution, or gamble with them online.”
At press time, after being informed that the FBI became the largest holder of Bitcoins after confiscating nearly $30 million in coins from the defunct black market website The Silk Road, Perry was seen withdrawing all of his Bitcoins in exchange for gold doubloons.
Originally published Dec 2013.