LSA Junior a Little Too Busy to Keep an Eye on This Kid’s Stuff ‘For Just a Sec’

Sources report that tension arose at the Shapiro Library earlier when Grant Overman was asked by another student sitting at his table to watch his backpack and laptop while he went to the bathroom, because Overman has just a little too much on his plate to be watching some kid’s stuff for “just a bit.”

“Usually, no problem,” admitted Overman. “I’d watch the hell outta that kid’s backpack and coat. I dare you to steal that kid’s stuff on my watch. But tonight, my God, any other night but tonight.”

Overman, a political science major, accepted the task, albeit hesitantly, because he really does have a lot of shit to get done, including three more pages to finish before midnight and then has to call his girlfriend from a long-distance relationship that he is beginning to question more and more, and thus has a hard time finding room in his busy night for favors. Moreover, he would be penciling in watching a stranger’s highly desirable LL Bean monogrammed backpack and Macbook—the exact kind of retro-bag that is really “in” this season, and honestly, who’s not looking to steal a nice Mac laptop.

“If I’m headed to the bathroom or drinking fountain and leaving that kind of stuff behind, I’d trust someone like me to look after it. Six foot two, glasses, pretty thin, white. Absolutely, this kid made the right decision. However, I really can’t deal with that kind of pressure tonight. Watching over this kid’s stuff requires a degree of vigilance and determination that I just can’t commit to right now.”

Overman mentioned that maintaining a constant awareness of the belongings all the while attempting to focus on his impending English 325 deadline, the phone call to his girlfriend, the future emails he needs to send out, setting up an appointment with his advisor, and watching exactly 45 minutes of Hulu videos, is way too much to handle.

Additionally troubling was the fact that three more students had just sat down to study near Overman.

“I sized them up as soon as they walked in,” Overman explained, frantically switching his gaze between the original stranger’s belongings while spell-checking his recently finished paragraph. “I can’t say with certainty that they’re here to score a sweet backpack/ laptop combo, but I definitely don’t like the looks I’m getting from that dude in the purple coat.”

“The worst case scenario, though, would be if one of those sorority girls asks me to keep an eye on her stuff too,” added Overman.

The Vera Bradley bag, another Macbook, the thermos, and one of those circle scarf things are way too much to add to Overman’s already tremendous responsibilities.

“End of the semester with exams and all…I can’t be doing this for everybody,” said Overman, because, Jesus, he’s just a man for God’s sake.

Originally published: Dec 2013

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