The Associated Press confirmed on Monday the veracity of increasingly frequent and totally incredulous eyewitness reports that a shirtless man has been riding a unicycle through campus while simultaneously juggling three hacky sacks. The news comes much to chagrin of the unicyclist, Ted Wheland, who “doesn’t see why people act like [he’s] some kind of street performer.”
“God, the nerve of these people,” Wheland said. “They act like I’m doing this for attention, like I’m just trying to amuse them. How vain is that?”
Contrary to what others assume, Wheland claims, his appearance and behavior is nothing more than an act of personal expression.
“It’s no different than having pierced ears or wearing a pair of skinny jeans. Tossing small objects in a circular motion while riding a one-wheeled velocipede as my nipples boldly point out in response to the cold weather is just how I feel the most comfortable.”
Others, however, do not seem to share Wheland’s point-of-view about his nearly-nude trips around public places, and have “totally failed to grasp this concept yet.”
“Recently, when I was out doing my thing, some guy tried to hand me a one-dollar bill. Can you believe that? Like I’m some kind of prostitute, doing this for any other reason than because it’s simply what feels right to me,” said Wheland, as he stopped unicycling only long enough to hop on one foot and scream the lyrics to “Amazing Grace” in a German accent while pelting passers-by in the face with acorns.
Wheland expressed his disappointment in the local community, stating that while he once believed Ann Arbor to be a tolerating and quirky environment, he now realizes that this is only a façade.
“When I moved here, everyone talked about what an open and accepting community it was, but the reality is that many people have a real problem dealing with anything remotely outside of the norm. Look Ann Arbor, some people are gay, some people are dark-skinned, and some people enjoy looking like the bastard child of a gym rat and a circus freak. Deal with it.”
At press time, Wheland is planning on walking around town with an untrained possum perched on his shoulder and a large cucumber inserted into his anus, but you better not stare because that is “so incredibly rude.”
Originally published: Dec 2013