To celebrate its 100th anniversary, University Health Services is planning several special events, one of which will reportedly include—for a limited time only—actually tending to ill students. Beginning this month, the campus medical care center will run a telephone-based promotion in which students placing calls to the reception desk will have a chance to be the “Lucky Ninth Caller,” winning adequate medical attention as a reward.
UHS Doctor Mary Grant explained, “Hillel hires massage therapists during exam week, the League offers bagels and coffee on Wednesdays, so we wanted to do something exciting for the students as well. We realized that we could use this promotion to give Wolverines something no one else on campus currently offers: medical care!”
As caller number nine, the winner will immediately receive an appointment during which their will ailments will be evaluated by someone other than an uninterested and underpaid clinician. The winner will probably be tended to before any infections spread or rashes break out across their body. In addition to having his health concerns addressed in a relatively efficient manner, the lucky winner will not be asked about his smoking habits.
To prepare for the contest, the UHS advisory board has prepared an outstanding team of employees, consisting of a receptionist least likely to misplace the winner’s health insurance information, a nurse who generally tends to record vital signs accurately, and a doctor who has undergone extensive training in order to diagnose the common minor illnesses affecting college students.
Originally published Dec. 2013