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Please Stop Sending Pictures Of Me To People When You’re Drunk

Yo, brochacho, it’s time for us to have a talk. I think we have a...

  • Jan 8, 2014

Do You Really Need To Eat That?

Honey, I’m so glad you’re home and I can’t wait to hear the...

  • Jan 8, 2014

I’m Fine!

Listen to me, I’m absolutely fine. I’m not stumbling and bumbling...

  • Jan 8, 2014

Visibly Concussed James Harrison Forgets Why He’s Mad At Roger Goodell

PAUL BROWN STADIUM—Following Sunday’s game between the Cincinnati...

  • Jan 8, 2014

UM Track Team Losing Streak Attributed To Starting Races On Michigan Time

After a series of defeats last season, new University of Michigan...

  • Jan 8, 2014

World Powers Order Defiant Iran To Be In Bed By Ten

TEHRAN—As part of a landmark nuclear arms deal between Iran and the...

  • Jan 8, 2014

50,000 Pages Of Assigned Reading Accuse Class Of Neglect

Millions of pages of unread and neglected course readings came...

  • Jan 8, 2014

Over Two Hundred Bangladeshi Workers Killed In Fire That You Don’t Genuinely Give A Shit About

DHAKA—212 workers lost their lives last Friday when a fire broke...

  • Jan 8, 2014

Chinese Pedophiles Really Excited About Lifting Of One Child Policy

A WHOLE NEW WORLD—On Friday, November 15th, China announced to the...

  • Jan 8, 2014

BuzzFeed To Sell Film Rights To Acclaimed Listicle ’16 Turtles in Funny Hats’

Los Angeles, CA—The popular website and purveyor of click-bait...

  • Jan 8, 2014

Area Man Can’t Remember Which Side Gas Cap On, Must Be Alzheimer’s

Local resident and widely acknowledged hypochondriac Ryan Beckman was...

  • Jan 8, 2014

Parents Replace Dead Grandma With New One To Help Kids Cope

Although Robert Gellhorn and his family were initially distraught at...

  • Jan 8, 2014
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