Yo, brochacho, it’s time for us to have a talk. I think we have a pretty great relationship; I’m the Batman to your Robin. I love what we have, but lately you’ve been doing things that have made me very uncomfortable. And I’m not the only one who notices it.I’ve talked to a lot of people and everyone is concerned about some of the things you do when you drink.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know who I’m doing all the thinking for. When you drink you’re like a whole other person, mostly the part where you get black out drunk and send pictures of me to complete strangers.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but if that’s the case I have no idea what the fuck are you trying to say when you send one of me? Do you think a picture of me is really going to get some girl’s party started? It’s not like you have to prove my existence – the penis is not the unicorn of the male anatomy. She knows I exist! I’m not even all that impressive.
I am just your average penis, above average on the right day, and if you’ve seen one penis you’ve seen them all. You’re not even getting my good sides! And this is where I think we see your drinking hurting the ones you love.
Basically, what I’m trying to say is that this isn’t a dog show. No one is sitting around clapping politely as you send me off to some poor unsuspecting floozy. Some things are better left implied. I know you’re proud, but next time you’re drunk and feel like showing me off, just don’t. Consider my feelings and how you know such activities make me feel.
You’re a great guy and everyone should want to meet us, just cut back on the dick pics. Also please consider wearing looser pants, those skinny jeans are killing me.
Originally published: Dec 2013